I didn’t NEED one. I probably shouldn’t have ordered it. But it was there. And they hooked me. I mean, it does address some of the “shortcomings” of my previous phone. Although, to be honest, my “phone” had no shortcomings. It was the all-powerful computer, audio-video and communications subsystem that came included with my phone that has gradually begun to disappoint, at the same rate as the growth of my expectations.

I ordered my last phone, the RAZR MAXX HD, to address a shortcoming — battery life — it was requiring to be tethered to the power grid with increasing frequency, as if it had become addicted to electricity. Ironic, since the phone was billed at the time of its introduction as the best battery life on the market. But batteries, like humans, grow old and weary, and need to recharge more frequently.

The old phone also suffered from the ailment that all smartphones (at least those owned by power users) tend to suffer at some point or another — it began to lag. Even bringing up the applications menu might take thirty seconds to load. I know that I could probably speed that up by doing a factory reset, releasing software hooks, storage and detritus caused by badly programmed applications and whatnot, but I felt, as a man, that I had to draw the line somewhere. I mean, who’s the tool and who’s the owner? I’m not going to let some damned overpriced subsidized phone tell me what to do! Fuck that. This relationship is over.

Turbo got a big ole butt
I know I told you I’d be true
But Turbo got a big ole butt
So I’m leaving you.

I ordered the Droid Turbo.  Geek specs: Qualcomm Snapdragon 805, Quad-core 2.7 GHz Krait 450, Adreno 420 GPU. Super AMOLED capacitive touchscreen, splash resistant, Corning Gorilla Glass 3, 1440×2560 pixels. 3GB RAM, 64GB Storage. 21MP (5248×3936) camera. 2160p video @24fps, 1080p@30fps. Fast charging (60% in 30min), wireless charging (Qi-enabled). Oh, and I ordered it in ballistic nylon.

A 21MP phone camera?!?!?!?  What’s the fucking point of that? There’s no possible way that the tiny little phone camera lens can take full advantage of a sensor that dense. Just no way. But we’ll see. We’ll see.